An Open Letter to the Bees Swarming on My Front Porch

Dear Bees,

I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time, so let me start by saying thank you for all the hard work you put into pollination and honey production. Also, I love the expression “hive mind”, which never would have been coined if it weren’t for you guys (well, I suppose someone might have used that phrase, but it would have referred to an itchy allergic reaction and wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting). So, thanks again.

Recently, some of you have been swarming on my front porch. Apparently, that means you’re planning to reproduce — so, congratulations! I’m concerned, however, that the site you’ve chosen may not be ideal. My front porch gets a fair amount of foot traffic from me, my mail carrier, anyone who visits me, and the approximately five thousand people who come by each day and leave annoying fliers at my door. If you perceive each passing person as a threat, you probably won’t feel safe at this site.

This brings us to what happened on Tuesday. Look, I know you need to defend yourselves, but I was literally just walking by, and I even chose a path that maximized my distance from your swarm. That attack was completely unprovoked. Two days later, my finger still itches — and, even worse, I now have a completely undeserved reputation as a bee-harasser, since everyone believes that bees don’t sting unless they’re provoked. I think a public apology is called for.

You haven’t started construction on a hive yet, so I assume you’re still scouting locations. I’m confident that you can find a location more suitable than my front porch. And, while I hope it won’t come to this, I’m prepared to have you relocated in the event that you do decide to build a hive here. I hope you’ll agree that it would be in everyone’s best interest if you chose another site for your hive, preferably not on my property.

I wish you all the best, and I look forward to resuming the long-distance friendship that we’ve shared for all these years.



P.S. You know that sound you make when you’re flying around? Listening to it in my living room is a little unsettling. Would you please try to fly more quietly?

The bee saga continues with Vampire Bees.

8 thoughts on “An Open Letter to the Bees Swarming on My Front Porch

  1. Seriously laughed to no end! That is so funny! You have a way to write it that makes it… I don’t know… Great! And bees rock (an image with a bee holding a guitar just entered my mind, I’ll make it go as soon as I can, I promise), their world, and, sadly, ours. The bee you’ve encountered may have had a personality disorder, may have thought it was a wasp^^. Too bad for you, though:s
    Good luck with the potential hive!

  2. You ARE funny, i WILL be back :)
    Just in case you would be interested, I came here because I have bees on my mind today as we just got a family moving in on our courtyard. Would you ever be interested in some kind of exchange between your bees and mine, just let me know, they seem pretty cool and promised me honey instead of rent :)

  3. It’s been a good week for bee posts, I guess. This was hilarious, by the way. I agree with you. Except that I don’t like bees at all. So I guess I don’t completely agree with you.

    I think we should kill them all. We can live without honey. That’s what Splenda is for.

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