Q: Are the leaves supposed to be half-brown like that?
A: I don’t know. I’ve been meaning to look that up.
Q: How often do you water it?
Q: Can you be more specific?
A: Oh, sorry. I thought that was one of those “always / sometimes / never” questions.
Q: Seriously, how many days a week do you water your coffee plant?
A: Stop nagging! I’ll get to it!
Q: Why did you choose to plant it in that particular spot?
A: I took a scientific approach. First, I narrowed it down to an outdoor location based on the fact that I have indoor cats, and coffee plants are toxic to cats. Then I decided to plant it in the ground rather than, say, the roof, because I read somewhere once that plants grow better in dirt.
Q: What about sunlight?
A: I planted it during the day, when the sun was shining, because it would have been harder to see what I was doing if I’d planted it at night, in the dark.
Q: You’re not very good with plants, are you?
A: Define “good”.
Q: Let me rephrase that. Why do plants fare so much worse than cats under your care?
A: Cats are far more proactive about making their needs and desires known.
Q: Did you just say “proactive”?
Q: Is it true that there’s a betting pool on how long the plant will survive?
A: No. For one thing, a pool like that would be impossible to administer — how can you even tell whether a plant is actually dead or just near death?
Q: You’re really not very good with plants, are you?
A: I believe we covered that earlier.
Q: Why do you even have a coffee plant?
A: A friend who had some extra coffee plants gave them away to his coffee-loving friends.
Q: How did your friend come to have extra coffee plants?
A: I try not to ask too many questions.