Three Ways in Which You, the Readers of My Blog, Have Failed Me

As I’m sure you know by now, I’m not one to complain, but there are a few matters I need to bring to your attention:

birthday cake

Wikipedia says this is a typical birthday cake. Note the traditional accessories: candles and a disembodied hand.

1. None of you sent me anything for my birthday, even though I provided convenient links to my wish list in several of my posts, including Looking Forward to Another Birthday, Only 30 Shopping Days Left Until My Birthday, Only 29 Shopping Days Left Until My Birthday, Today Is Probably the Last Day to Get Free Shipping in Time for My Birthday, There’s Still Time to Get Me Something for My Birthday If You Choose One-Day Shipping, and Better Late than Never: It’s Okay to Send Belated Birthday Presents, but You Should Probably Spend a Little More on Them.

2. So far, none of you have ordered my self-published book, 365 Blog Posts About My Birthday. This book contains everything I’ve written this year, so I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a steal at $49.95. I know you’re all planning to buy it eventually, but please stop procrastinating.

3. Some of you have commented that I never got you anything for your birthday. While these statements are true, they’re irrelevant — this blog is about what you should do for my birthday, not what I should do for your birthday. Please read more carefully in the future, and keep your comments on-topic.

Thank you for your attention — I just needed to clear the air. We’ll get back to more pleasant topics with tomorrow’s post, After Sending This Year’s (Belated) Present, It’s Time to Start Thinking About Next Year’s Birthday.

Tagged with: , ,
Posted in Humor
28 comments on “Three Ways in Which You, the Readers of My Blog, Have Failed Me
  1. Margie says:

    I guess this is a subtle hint that today is your birthday? If I thought it really was your birthday, I’d wish you a Happy Day, but because your post is so subtle, I’m really not sure if I should.

    • Laura says:

      My birthday is actually months away. I thought about sitting on this post until then, but I wanted to give you the pleasure of reading it immediately. You’re welcome.

  2. Erica says:

    I feel like you’re trying to tell me something…

  3. Happy Birthday for last year, Laura. The gift I would have sent you then would have arrived on time, had I known about you then. The one I send you for this year should arrive on time, if I remember to send it. If not, I’ll say Happy Birthday for this year too, and then all bases are covered!

    • Laura says:

      Don’t worry about forgetting — I already have the post Everyone Please Remind Tom About My Birthday scheduled to run a few times in the month leading up to the actual day.

  4. denise:) says:

    What ingrates. I can’t believe your readers are so heartless, obtuse and insensitive!

    oh, wait…

    • Laura says:

      It looks like you’ve discovered something about yourself today, and I’m honored to have helped you reach this epiphany. Please feel free to send me something from my wish list as a thank-you.

  5. nursemyra says:

    Hey Laura I’ll send you a gift if you tell me your snail mail address

  6. ajg says:

    The Wikipedia page should read, “A typical birthday cake. In China. At a seance.”

  7. Binky says:

    But I did send you a present for your birthday. It was my self-published book, “How to Make Your Friends Rich”. I bet you didn’t even read it.

  8. I sent all of your gifts to, but the post office keeps returning the packages.

  9. Hahaha…
    that cake is almost illuminated as brightly as one of mine. From years ago. Before they started to resemble the face of the sun. :)

  10. Janna says:

    Now I feel awkward.

    I thought disembodied hands were supposed to go on nachos.

    This explains why no one wanted to visit on Cinco De Mayo.

  11. hoodyhoo says:

    I was going to get you this great book, “365 Blog Posts About My Birthday” for your birthday, but for some reason it didn’t ship in time. Maybe next year! (and happy belated birthday!)

  12. omawarisan says:

    #4 Omawarisan read this last week, liked it and thought he’d commmented but actually had not.

    and 1-3, inclusive.

  13. Watch for my next post: One Or More Ways In Which Laura Failed Me By Blogging About Three Ways That I Failed Her … WITH CATS.

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I have some publications in other places, including short stories at Shimmer, Flash Fiction Online, and Daily Science Fiction, and a list of overly-wordy LOLCat captions on McSweeney's.

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