Look, I’m sorry. I know everyone expects candy on Halloween. The thing is, I’ve been on a kind of health kick lately, and I would have felt hypocritical handing out sugary junk. I thought a selection of healthful snacks would be a nice alternative.
I realize that Habanero peppers and durian aren’t to everyone’s taste — I included those mostly as an option for more adventurous kids — but I had no idea the apples would be so controversial. I honestly thought most people liked apples, and that kids in particular liked those little single-serving packs of apple slices. I wanted to give out something like that, but without the chemicals they use to keep the slices from turning brown — because really, who can say with any certainty what the long-term health effects are? I’d feel terrible if an innocent child suffered because I gave out apple slices loaded with artificial preservatives. So, out of concern for the children’s safety, I gave each one something even better: a slice-your-own-apple kit containing a locally-sourced organic apple and a slicing implement. And yes, razor blades may not be the ideal tool for the job, but paring knives and even steak knives are prohibitively expensive, and disposable plastic knives are bad for the environment.
I understand that, for whatever reason, you disapprove of my entire selection of treats, including the apple slicing kits. Lesson learned. But it’s not like I held a gun to your kid’s head and forced him to take them. Not a real gun, anyway, although I admit that, as toy guns go, mine is actually pretty realistic.
Again, I apologize. I can see now that you and your kids had your hearts set on candy, and I’m sorry I disappointed you.
Got leftover candy? Check out last year’s advice on what to do with it.
Unlikely Explanations 
Now I don’t feel as bad about handing out frozen hors d’oeuvres.
I always thought Quail eggs with Pate were pretty tasty.
Probably shoulda wrapped em better…
Handing out frozen food is fine, as long as you also give the kids microwave ovens to heat their treats in.
HA HA HA HA…can’t stop laughing over this. It’s great.
Thank you. You have excellent taste.
This raised a loud chuckle in Australia too. Can you hear me laughing from there?
To be honest, it’s hard to hear anything over the sound of the neighbor kids screaming.
Your heart was in the right place. We can’t be responsible for those indulgent parents.
When I was young – around 11 or 12 – we ran out of candy, so I handed out toast. I thought it was brilliant.
The first year I lived in this house, I ran out of candy pretty early in the evening. I was tempted to give out cat food.
Little tubes of toothpaste are always unappreciated by the kids, but less controversial…
Toothpaste alone, with no floss? No wonder the kids don’t appreciate it.
What is floss? I didn’t know flossing until my twenties…
Next year we’re TP’ing your garage.
You’re going to go near my garage? You’re braver than I am.
Awww..it always is sad when such good intentions are met with disgruntled reactions! And to think you thought or everything! Even the razor blades! Maybe next year you can just give them all durians and let them figure out what to do with it..haha!
The problem with giving out durians is that I’d have to store them in my house until Halloween.
Well..the trick is to either store the durians with bread near it (it’ll help absorb the smell) though…using tht technique would mean you go broke from buying all that bread, have mouldy bread in your house or start baking. The other method is to store it with some coal near it..does the same thing,..!
Does that make the bread smell/taste like durian? I’ve actually never had fresh durian — my only experience with it was a pastry with durian baked inside.
Perhaps next year you could go with something less lethal but still healthy, like dry oatmeal or maybe wheat germ.
I have some dried seaweed treats in my pantry. Or maybe I should just go with the quinoa.
You just can’t win with some people, you know? Try to think out of the box and look what happens. Maybe if you replace the razors with some caramel and sharp sticks next year it’ll be better received.
Or DIY s’mores with graham crackers, marshmallows, Hershey bars, lighter fluid, and matches.
You just ensured my appearance at your door next Halloween. For the smores, of course, not to see the makings of little pyros.
This reminds me of the old adage, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you cut yourself slicing the apple. Then you’re fucked.”
That’s brilliant. I need a coffee mug with that on it.
How about handing out “colon cleanse” starter kits. I’m sure you don’t have to worry about omlette eggs for a while after that…
Congratulations! You managed to trip the spam filter.
When I helped myself to my kids’ treats, I would have snagged that apple slicing kit.
It’s also a great snack to take with you if you’re traveling — just stick it in your carry-on bag and eat it on the plane.
Hilarious!
I don’t see what all the fuss is about…
sounds like the next best thing to the Halloween classic bag-o-broken glass!
:)
I just wish I’d known about this when I wrote this post.