I’m Sorry Your Child Disliked My Halloween Treats

Look, I’m sorry. I know everyone expects candy on Halloween. The thing is, I’ve been on a kind of health kick lately, and I would have felt hypocritical handing out sugary junk. I thought a selection of healthful snacks would be a nice alternative.

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I realize that Habanero peppers and durian aren’t to everyone’s taste — I included those mostly as an option for more adventurous kids — but I had no idea the apples would be so controversial. I honestly thought most people liked apples, and that kids in particular liked those little single-serving packs of apple slices. I wanted to give out something like that, but without the chemicals they use to keep the slices from turning brown — because really, who can say with any certainty what the long-term health effects are? I’d feel terrible if an innocent child suffered because I gave out apple slices loaded with artificial preservatives. So, out of concern for the children’s safety, I gave each one something even better: a slice-your-own-apple kit containing a locally-sourced organic apple and a slicing implement. And yes, razor blades may not be the ideal tool for the job, but paring knives and even steak knives are prohibitively expensive, and disposable plastic knives are bad for the environment.

I understand that, for whatever reason, you disapprove of my entire selection of treats, including the apple slicing kits. Lesson learned. But it’s not like I held a gun to your kid’s head and forced him to take them. Not a real gun, anyway, although I admit that, as toy guns go, mine is actually pretty realistic.

Again, I apologize. I can see now that you and your kids had your hearts set on candy, and I’m sorry I disappointed you.

Got leftover candy? Check out last year’s advice on what to do with it.

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Posted in Humor
30 comments on “I’m Sorry Your Child Disliked My Halloween Treats
  1. El Guapo says:

    Now I don’t feel as bad about handing out frozen hors d’oeuvres.
    I always thought Quail eggs with Pate were pretty tasty.
    Probably shoulda wrapped em better…

  2. HA HA HA HA…can’t stop laughing over this. It’s great.

  3. nursemyra says:

    This raised a loud chuckle in Australia too. Can you hear me laughing from there?

  4. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Your heart was in the right place. We can’t be responsible for those indulgent parents.

    When I was young – around 11 or 12 – we ran out of candy, so I handed out toast. I thought it was brilliant.

  5. Margie says:

    Little tubes of toothpaste are always unappreciated by the kids, but less controversial…

  6. mooselicker says:

    Next year we’re TP’ing your garage.

  7. shreejacob says:

    Awww..it always is sad when such good intentions are met with disgruntled reactions! And to think you thought or everything! Even the razor blades! Maybe next year you can just give them all durians and let them figure out what to do with it..haha!

    • Laura says:

      The problem with giving out durians is that I’d have to store them in my house until Halloween.

      • shreejacob says:

        Well..the trick is to either store the durians with bread near it (it’ll help absorb the smell) though…using tht technique would mean you go broke from buying all that bread, have mouldy bread in your house or start baking. The other method is to store it with some coal near it..does the same thing,..!

        • Laura says:

          Does that make the bread smell/taste like durian? I’ve actually never had fresh durian — my only experience with it was a pastry with durian baked inside.

  8. Binky says:

    Perhaps next year you could go with something less lethal but still healthy, like dry oatmeal or maybe wheat germ.

  9. You just can’t win with some people, you know? Try to think out of the box and look what happens. Maybe if you replace the razors with some caramel and sharp sticks next year it’ll be better received.

  10. This reminds me of the old adage, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you cut yourself slicing the apple. Then you’re fucked.”

  11. How about handing out “colon cleanse” starter kits. I’m sure you don’t have to worry about omlette eggs for a while after that…

  12. When I helped myself to my kids’ treats, I would have snagged that apple slicing kit.

  13. Hilarious!
    I don’t see what all the fuss is about…
    sounds like the next best thing to the Halloween classic bag-o-broken glass!

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