The Pop Quiz Before Christmas

1. Where and how were the stockings hung?

a) by the chimney, with care.

b) on the clothesline, haphazardly.

c) in the library, with a rope, by Colonel Mustard.

2. Who were the children waiting for?

a) Saint Nicholas.

b) Godot.

c) Krampus

3. Why does St. Nick employ tiny reindeer instead of regular-sized reindeer?

a) Tiny reindeer have better aerodynamics.

b) Full-sized reindeer would exceed the weight limit specified in most roof warranties.

c) It was an accident. The baby reindeer that St. Nick bought from a pet store developed stunted growth and a variety of other health problems due to the horrible living conditions and poor breeding practices at the reindeer mill where they were born.

4. Visions of sugar plums…

a) danced in the children’s heads.

b) performed acrobatic feats in the children’s stomachs.

c) grew into unhealthy obsessions and, in many cases, eating disorders that lasted well into adulthood. Some of the children refused to eat sugar plums ever again; others would eat nothing but sugar plums.

Happy whatever-you-celebrate. And please, if you decide to bring reindeer into your household, don’t buy them from a pet store — adopt from a local shelter instead.

45 thoughts on “The Pop Quiz Before Christmas

  1. But if pet shop reindeer are stunted and can still fly, we could make a mint telling people they are genetically engineered to stay tiny.

    Always adopt more than one reindeer. They are happiest in at least pairs. If you’ve got room for four or more, so much the better. They get lonely and quit flying if they are kept alone.

      1. I’ve never seen a sugar plum in real life. As a child, I thought they were some kind of mythical confection invented just for that poem. Wikipedia says they’re candy made from dried fruit.

    1. According to the poem, the reindeer are tiny, the sleigh is miniature, and Santa is little. This could be because the narrator first sees them at a distance, but I prefer to interpret poetry literally.

  2. The reindeer rescue leagues thank you. (It’s never good idea to give reindeer as a present – they may not be welcomed…and reindeer do have that odd habit of dashing onto surrounding roofs – especially on Dec nights- and may be hard to catch). Nice post. Jingle on

  3. The answer is always C. Also, I hand-craft small-batch, artisan, organic, PABA-free, cruelty-free, fair-trade sugar plums in my traditional-method kitchen. Please consider me your first stop when planning all of your International Sugar Plum Tasting Day needs!

  4. 1. (d) in the town square for horse-thievery and stalking (stocking…hehehe)
    2. (d) the Candy Man, who, like Krampus, accompanies the Big Guy
    3. (d) St. Nick doesn’t employ them, they are volunteers….seriously, after being trapped all year in the snow at the North Pole, wouldn’t you volunteer to leave for warmer climes?
    4. (d) This is what happens to your brain on drugs.

    Because I am not a good test-taker, and because I am a rebel.

    1. Have you ever had a sugar plum, or is that just speculation?

      I don’t know whether you can feed sugar plums to reindeer. You can’t feed raisins to dogs or onions to cats (I mention those two facts because I feel like I need to prove that I know some animal feeding trivia).

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