How to Destroy America (Step 1: Dig Up Marilyn Monroe)

Be careful what you post on your Tweeter website account.

A British/Irish couple, Emily Bunting and Leigh Van Bryan, were denied entry to the United States recently because, according to the official DHS paperwork, “Mr. BRYAN confirmed that he had posted on his Tweeter website account that he was coming to the United States to dig up the grave of Marilyn Monroe. Also on his tweeter account Mr. BRYAN posted that he was coming to destroy America”. Naturally, this raises a number of questions, such as:

1. Seriously?

2. Where can I get one of these Tweeter website accounts? And why isn’t “Tweeter” capitalized consistently?

3. Is it just me, or does it look like DHS kicked them out because of the plot to dig up Marilyn Monroe and only mentioned the part about destroying America as an afterthought? Does that seem backwards to anyone else?

But the most pressing question is: how are these two actions — destroying America and digging up Marilyn Monroe — related? The way I see it, there are four possibilities:

1. Destroying America is one step in the plan to dig up Marilyn Monroe (I think this is pretty unlikely, actually, because it’s just so incredibly inefficient).

2. Digging up Marilyn Monroe is one step in the plan to destroy America. At first I thought this sounded ridiculous, but then I realized I was totally ignoring the possibility that there may be some sort of America-destroying weapon buried under Marilyn, and they have to dig her up to get to it.

3. The couple came here primarily to destroy America; however, they realize that this is their last chance to fulfill their lifelong dream of digging up Marilyn Monroe, because once America is destroyed, her grave will be inaccessible.

4. He wants to destroy America; she wants to dig up Marilyn Monroe. Who can reach their goal first? Find out on the new reality TV series Felony Challenge.

30 thoughts on “How to Destroy America (Step 1: Dig Up Marilyn Monroe)

  1. is also classic DHS “so dangerous that you can’t take that water on the plane; so innocuous that we can put it in a giant pile of equally dangerous material, still in the airport” – having become suspicious that they would destroy america, they were deported (or refused admission, which I think is different) rather than arrested or placed in US jurisdiction outside of US jurisdiction.

    1. I agree about the Giant Trash Can Of Dangerous Liquids, but I think it might be reasonable to have different burdens of proof for denying someone admission to the country and for locking them up.

  2. Just the two of them to destroy America? Hmmm…Using the shovel they’d use to did up Marilyn, you mean? I take it there would’ve been cigarette breaks during the digging process. The terrorists have it all wrong. They must invest in shovels.

    1. Shovel-related finance can be tricky. The couple said in an interview that their bags were actually searched for shovels. So apparently, in addition to destroying America, they were suspected of trying to hurt our economy by bringing in their own shovels instead of buying them here.

  3. Well, someone parading around a dead, decomposed Marilyn Monroe would make me stay indoors for quite awhile. Perhaps that’s the plan. Take down the entire American economy by scaring the crap out of us and driving us all under our beds.

  4. Nothing is neater than a plan put on tweeter. That’s the closest I can come to clever today. Sorry, The Boy didn’t make enough coffee. I’m about to destroy America myself. I’ll leave MM where she is though, just to keep from drawing attention…

    1. I’m so sorry about the coffee insufficiency. You really shouldn’t announce your plan to destroy America on my blog, though. If there’s one thing we should have learned from this, it’s that we need to be discreeter.

  5. Just FYI, MM is in a mausoleum so she’s entombed in a wall essentially. It’d require a chisel rather than a shovel for digging. Please plan and pack accordingly.

    1. Thank you! So I guess digging her up was Step 3 in this plan instead of Step 1 (steps 1 and 2 must have been chiseling her out of the mausoleum and burying her).

      1. They may have been planning to dig Marilyn up to get to the antique silver and bronze in her casket, plus the pink marble of the crypt. Nothing funds an Irish/British terrorists’ plans to destroy America like heavy metals and pink marble. Plus Hugh Hefner owns the spot next to hers, so they may have strategized their destruction of America by plotting the demise of Playboy Empire. These are all reasonable scenarios, and the Felony Challenge reality show would’ve had higher ratings if the Feds had stepped aside, and allowed their unholy plan to unfold before our eyes. During Sweeps Week.

  6. HA! I want a tweeter account too!!

    I couldn’t believe when I first heard this story. When it comes down to it, if they’re so paranoid, they should seriously consider upping the security at Ms. Monroe’s grave. If they’re concerned that 2 Brits can meander over and dig her up without any problem, they’ve got bigger fish to fry.

    Also: This is such fuckery. Let us tweet and fuck the back off. (That’s right. Fuck the back off.)

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