Before There Was Spam…

I can't decide whether I blurred his name and contact info to protect his privacy or because I didn't want to give him any free advertising.

Before there was spam, there were advertising circulars. My front door is a magnet for these things — every day, I find flyers for real estate agents, restaurants, dry cleaners, and home improvement services. Occasionally, I’ll see one for an optometrist or a dental clinic — so I really shouldn’t have been surprised when I got one from a gynecologist.

I could tell right away that this guy is better than my regular doctor, because his flyer offers a menu of “Specialties and Procedures” including several that my doctor has never mentioned (for example, she’s never once asked me if I’d like to have “Major Surgery”). So of course I decided to make an appointment.

I did have some misgivings, though. The silhouette of a pregnant woman on the left side of the flyer didn’t fill me with confidence. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that having skin that particular shade of green is not a sign of a healthy pregnancy. Also, her hands look kind of ghostly and skeletal, although I may be biased because my own hands are freakishly small.

So I did extensive research (okay, five minutes of googling) on this physician and found a detail he’d forgotten to mention: he’s currently on probation in California for a “misdemeanor count of sexual exploitation of a patient” (his defense to the criminal charge was that no one ever told him he wasn’t supposed to have sex with his patients). This raised a question about the “Specialties and Procedures” listed on the flyer: at first, I’d thought that “STD’s” meant that treating STDs was one of his specialties, but now I think he may have meant that transmitting STDs is one of his more common procedures. I should probably ask for clarification when I call for my appointment.

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Posted in Humor
48 comments on “Before There Was Spam…
  1. nancyfrancis says:

    New one to ad to the list of ‘Things I don’t buy just because they’re advertised’. Think I”ll stick with my family doc ;)

  2. Dana says:

    Haha! Like the naive fool I am, I figured most medical professionals would write prescriptions to cure gonorrhea. It never crossed my mind that some of them provided Rx’s to contract it, too! I learn something new every day! :)

  3. Minuet says:

    LMAO. I don’t think they are allowed to advertise in Australia so I miss gems like this on my doorstep.

    • Laura says:

      Do you get ads for prescription medications there? If not, you’re really missing out. One of life’s great mysteries is why the couple in the Viagra ad spend a romantic evening in separate bathtubs.

  4. I’d have thought “Preventative health screening” would have been your first clue that this guy tended to do things backwards.

  5. nursemyra says:

    “Do things backwards”? Was that sexual inappropriateness via the patient’s back door?

  6. joehoover says:

    That’s the wierdest junk mail! The green pregnant lady looks quite alien, uterine fibroids sound like something an alien would need doing too. Maybe he’s just preparing himself for our imminent takeover and wants to get onside with them straight away, it’s quite sensible really.

    It’s making me wonder if I should offer our outerspace overlords my administrative services, they’ll probably need to do a lot of cataloging of human specimins and I can help with the database upkeep. I’ll prepare my flyer later.

  7. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    That is just unreal.

  8. I can’t tell you how many times I turned completely green when I was pregnant. And how many times my husband would proposition me with the ol’ line, “Hey, honey…want me to reconstruct your pelvis tonight or do you have another headache?”

  9. I live in the UK, and the only doorstep ads we get are for take-outs.
    Never hungry though, haha

  10. I like how “Specialties and Procedures” are in quotes, too…
    just another subtle hint-o-shadiness.
    :)

  11. Thank goodness for your detective skills!

  12. Ahhhh. Too funny. (back away from that phone…..)

  13. Gail says:

    All I can say is… holy shit.

    Oh, and when you call, be sure to double check on which “insurace” plans he accepts.

    • Laura says:

      Good point. I was too wrapped up in my own internal debate about whether the apostrophe in “STD’s” was acceptable to notice that.

  14. Hey if you’re going to catch an STD, what better place than in the clinic they keep the STD meds in??

  15. Margie says:

    Yes, I suppose he would welcome cash, wouldn’t he!

  16. Elyse says:

    I, personally, always choose doctors based on their brochures and whether they are slipped into the mailbox (actually a federal crime) or onto my doorknob.

    Very funny post!

  17. Clearly, he is most proud of his pregnancy services. Darn legal issues won’t let him come right out and say that’s what he does, though.

  18. I don’t think I’ve ever had a flyer for a gynecologist, Laura. Pizzas, yes, but never a gynecologist.

  19. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I’m leery of doctor direct mail that reads kind of like a grocery list. Red light special on Aisle 3 – Uterine ablation!

  20. Binky says:

    That’s one way to find, um, clients. . .

  21. I would never trust this doctor with anything more than minor surgery. I have standards.

  22. pegoleg says:

    Just be sure to check with your insurance company to see what your copay will be on the “contracting an STD” procedure. You don’t want to be surprised with a big bill afterwards.

  23. Al says:

    Thanks to your advice in this blog, I googled the new pizza place that left a flyer. Turns out they have a history of STD’s too. Whew!

  24. zannyro says:

    Oh the horror……………..on the flip side, I found your blog! Yay me!

  25. Queen Gen says:

    Haha!

    I don’t know whether to be glad that I never get advertising like this, or disappointed because I could be missing out on so many amusing leaflets.

    And also, no, we don’t get ads for prescriptions meds in Australia. We only get the spam.

  26. Vivian says:

    I got handed a flyer once that was hysterically funny. I wish I still had it. It was a Chinese man promising to enlarge penises etc with his special herbs. The mispellings and incorrect word use had us rolling around on the floor in tears.

    • Laura says:

      I get penis-enlargement spam in my email all the time, but I’d feel pretty insulted if I were walking down the street and someone handed me a flyer for that stuff.

  27. cestlavie22 says:

    LMAO!! How do these things happen in real life?!? This seems like a perfect movie plot!

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