Three Scary Things In My House

Scary thing #1: creepy-looking insect.

I was going to use my cat's paw to show scale, but he wouldn't cooperate. You'll have to go by the carpet fibers instead.

What is this thing? What planet is it from? Why is it in my house? How many more of them are there? If my cats try to play with it, and it bites them, will they turn into mutant alien insect cats? Do mutant alien insect cats eat cat food, or what? (Actually, based on the pictures at whatsthatbug.com, a site that actually exists, this appears to be a potato bug. But my other questions still stand).

Scary thing #2: ambiguously-labelled water filter.

Sounds delicious, doesn't it?

Sounds delicious, doesn't it?

The scare quotes on the label do not fill me with confidence.

Scary thing #3: confusing condiments.

Sugar and spice.

On the left is a jar containing a mixture of crystallized sugar, chocolate, and coffee beans, with a built-in grinder; on the right is a jar of pepper with a built-in grinder. Alone, neither of these is scary — but I know that one day, when I least expect it, I’ll confuse the two. It’s like having a ticking time bomb in my kitchen.

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Posted in Humor
65 comments on “Three Scary Things In My House
  1. geez, how can you possibly bear to live there? I mean, I can handle the mutant bug and the ticking-time bomb plastic grinders, but the under-confident water filtration system just breaks the camel’s back.

  2. magsx2 says:

    Hi,
    Actually the insect looks really weird and they could be wrong on that web site, it sort of looks alien to me, and about the cat, just watch out after you fall asleep, animals only transform after the owners have gone to bed, this is a fact, watch any horror movie. :shock:

    I love your water bottle, that is unreal, safe as long as you don’t use it type of thing. :D

    Great post, I’m still laughing. :lol:

  3. What a creepy looking bug! Nice of it to cooperate for the photo shoot!

    • Laura says:

      There’s something extra-creepy about its legs and feet. And it makes scratchy noises when it crawls over hard surfaces. And it’s still in my house, somewhere.

  4. vonwelch says:

    I was curious so I googled “insect identification” and got http://www.insectidentification.org/ as the first hit (OK, no shockers so far).

    Based on your picture, I entered primary color of brown, secondary of black, 6 legs and found in California.

    The first result: http://www.insectidentification.org/insect-description.asp?identification=Dark-Jerusalem-Cricket

    I like the name “Earth Baby.”

    • Laura says:

      Weird — your comments wound up in my moderation queue. Maybe because there were links? Anyway, I’ll keep that site in mind for future reference — the search feature looks like it will come in handy. However, it doesn’t answer my question about mutant hybrid alien insect cats.

      • Oldcat says:

        I’m sure the Spanish name at least would have mentioned it if the cricket created alien cats…”el Diablo Gato” would be mentioned at least in passing. You can trust them that way.

        And if pepper vodka is popular, ‘pepper tea’ might be just the thing to pep you up in the morning.

  5. kpchicken says:

    You should combine all three things by putting the alien bug into a grinder and into a blender filled with “filtered” water. You might end up RULING THE WORLD. Or just owning a really gross drink that some asian countries would consider a delicacy. You win either way.

    Nice post!

    • Laura says:

      I live in California, so I could probably just sell it as a protein smoothie.

      • kpchicken says:

        Did you say protein smoothie? Is it all natural? Where can I buy? I need to look up “bug consumption” in my vegan handbook first though.

        • Laura says:

          It is absolutely 100% all-natural (except for whatever’s in the water). And the bugs are locally-sourced, organic, and free range. We’ll be giving out samples at Whole Foods next week.

  6. Oh…I don’t like bugs at all. I would not be able to eat or sleep with something like that around!

  7. joehoover says:

    What the hell! it’s like it’s made up of three or four other different bugs.

  8. nursemyra says:

    are your cats creating Frankenstein insects out of bottled water and pepper?

  9. Ahhhh!!! (catching breath)

    AHHHHHH!!!!!

  10. They say you can catch more potato bugs with sugar, chocolate and coffee beans than with rainbow peppercorns.
    Or…
    something…
    like that.
    :)

  11. We call those sand puppies here in Wyoming and I can kill one with a shoe thrown from ten feet away. I know this because after I turned ten my dad stopped killing bugs for me. As an adult I have a no-kill policy for bugs – I will find something to herd a bug into and escort it outside. But, honestly, I don’t know that I could bring myself to use that policy on these suckers. They are harmless, but CREEPY. The only thing that might save them is the copious amount of creepy guts they leave when you squash them.

    • Laura says:

      I have a no-kill policy for spiders, a kill-kill-kill policy for ants, and I take the others on a case-by-case basis. I couldn’t bring myself to kill this guy, and I lost him before I could come back with a container to relocate him in.

  12. omawarisan says:

    I think whatsthatbug is lying to you. I know potatoes. I’ve eaten potatoes. That bug is no potato.

  13. Binky says:

    Get rid of all your potatoes! Including fries and chips!

    I like the way “filtered” is in quotes.

    • Laura says:

      I have some sweet potato fries in the oven right now. That’s probably one of the first warning signs of alien mutant potato bug mind control.

      I like the quotes too. They make me feel “confident” that my water is “safe” to drink.

  14. The time has come to burn down the house. I see no alternative.

    That bug reminds me of my own near-death run-in with an insect. Google “dobson fly.” And then photoshop what you find onto a photo of your current boss. That’s how I handled that situation.

    • Laura says:

      I came close to burning down the house during an ant invasion a few years ago, but I decided against it, because the cats would have hated moving to a new house.

      I’d never heard of a Dobson fly. And then I made the mistake of clicking on this. It’s okay, though — I really don’t need to sleep tonight. Or ever again.

  15. edrevets says:

    Tick tick tick tick PEPPERY COFFEE BOOM. AHHHHH.

    Maybe if you removed all the labels from your spices it would keep you on your toes.

    • Laura says:

      I have a day full of meetings scheduled at work today, and there’s about a 40% chance that during one of them, I’m going to blurt out “tick tick tick tick PEPPERY COFFEE BOOM!”, laugh maniacally, and get fired. If that happens, it’s all your fault.

      Seriously, that needs to be on a t-shirt, or something.

  16. That bug is freaking me out. I think it’s a mutant. Part ant and part bee.

  17. Spectra says:

    And herein lies the problem of buying “organic” foods – no insecticides to kill off their symbiotic companions. I’d stick to Cabbage from now on – their symbiotic companion is the Cabbage Butterfly, and they are white and cute. And cat’s love ’em.

  18. Dana says:

    Maybe you can be an innovative Top Chef and mix the two grinders on purpose. I bet you could win SOME televised cooking contest by topping mashed potatoes with sugar, chocolate, and coffee. You’ll be so famous!

  19. Franny says:

    That bug is so cute. I think I will pin it on my “want it” board. Or maybe not. I just got that shivery thing from looking too closely at your photo. Thanks for the fodder for my next nightmare. Ding ding ding! Now that could be a fun board to make! Must google photos of Newt Gingrich.

    • Laura says:

      I’m always getting my “want it” board and my “want it … to die” board confused. Or at least I’m pretty sure I would, if I were on pinterest.

  20. cestlavie22 says:

    That bug is by far one of the creepiest bugs I have ever seen minus one I encountered when house hunting. See post: http://cestlavie22.wordpress.com/2011/08/14/mystery-bug/. That thing was pretty intense!!

  21. Cassandra says:

    I think the scariest thing there is the possibly chocolate mix/perrer confusion. If I had a grinder of chocolate/shugar/coffee stuff, it would live under my pillow and I may be tempted to make love to it.

  22. hoodyhoo says:

    Haven’t even read the whole post yet, just had to say GAAAAAHHHH! KILL IT! If that thing is a potato bug, I’m never eating potatoes again!

  23. “Microbiologically unsafe?” What the? Is this a regular filter for like, your sink? Or is this for the plutonium bomb you’re building in your kitchen to get rid of the bug in your house? And by the way, if you put up even an antenna of a real bug on this blog again, I’m never coming back. Ya hear me?

    • Laura says:

      It’s for the ice maker in my fridge — in theory, it makes tap water taste better, although the label doesn’t exactly paint a picture of clean, delicious water and ice.

  24. You were right. I find all three of these absolutely terrifying.

  25. Rayya says:

    Hey Laura…I definitely thought your scarey thing number 2 was SCAREY! I mean the label didn’t make any sense and did not encourage the use of that particular product.

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