What I Use My Time Machine For, Now That The Novelty Has Worn Off

Like many people, I get a number of free products to review. Sadly, that number is zero, so when I decided I wanted to try the Acme Chrono-Jump Personal Time Travel Device, I knew I’d have to buy one myself.

When the Chrono-Jump arrived (a year and a half ago or last Tuesday, depending on how you count), I did all the things you’d expect: I dropped in on famous historic events, took a peek at what’s in store for the future (I won’t reveal any specifics, but you might want to stock up on those little plastic thingies they put in pizza boxes to keep the cheese from getting stuck to the lid), and even tried to change a few things from my past. Each trip sent me into a nightmarish spiral of attempts to correct whatever horrible mistake I’d made the previous time around, more or less like every time-travel story you’ve ever read or seen on TV. (Are butterflies attracted to time machines, or what? I’ve never stepped on one while living in the present, but for some reason they’re always getting underfoot in the past). So I got a little burned out.

I was going to write a negative review and take it back to the store, but the warranty had expired, so I decided to look for smaller-scale, safer, more practical applications. I’m glad I did. Here are some of the things I use my time machine for today:

1. Any time I forget something, I just pop back in time, call my younger self on the phone and ask where I parked my car, or when I last saw my next-door neighbor alive, or whatever else it is I’ve forgotten. The only problem might be that it can be a little annoying; any time I sign up for a new website, for example, five or six older versions of me show up asking for the password. Also, sometimes I forget how long it’s been since I remembered the thing I’ve forgotten.

2. I use it to make better choices at restaurants. I just wait until all the entrees have arrived and then go back in time and order the one that looks best. I am, of course, very careful to always order last, so that people who know what I’m doing don’t copy my order and create one of those annoying time paradoxes.

3. I hooked the time machine into my alarm clock, so now instead of a snooze button, I have a “go back four hours and get more sleep” button. It’s amazing.

4. Before I had the Chrono-Jump, if I wanted a baked potato, I’d have to either wait an hour for it to cook, or microwave it and deal with that awful microwaved-potato skin, or try to figure out one of those hybrid oven / microwave potato-cooking recipes. But now I’ve hooked the time machine into my oven, so I can just put the potato in and set the timer to start cooking an hour ago.

So there you have it. I wouldn’t recommend the Chrono-Jump to someone who’s looking to have adventures or change their past, but it’s the best alarm clock I’ve ever had. Four stars out of five.

27 thoughts on “What I Use My Time Machine For, Now That The Novelty Has Worn Off

    1. Then I’ll be hungry yesterday. I guess I could just bake a dozen potatoes at a time and expect a bunch of future versions of me to show up to pick them up when they’re done.

  1. I could have used this yesterday when I ordered the stout and it turns out the lager was better. I coveted The Boy’s beer all the way through lunch.

    And the go back and sleep four more hours function? Brilliant. Sign me up!

    1. Pro-tip: before you go to bed, jump forward to an hour before the alarm is set to go off, and feed your cats then so they’ll leave you alone in the morning.

  2. I need a time travel alarm clock. Also, if you drizzle olive oil on your baked potato, sprinkle on some spices and then put it in the microwave, it will be simply divine. Thus freeing up your time machine for other matters.

  3. I think I’d use it everyday at work, so when I show up, I’d just zip ahead 8 hours and then go home. And all those extra hours saved should add up to a lot longer retirement.

    1. I decided ahead of time that whenever anyone asked a question like that, my response would be “you don’t know anything about how time travel works, do you?”.

        1. My clever plan was to follow this up with just “you don’t know anything about how time travel works, do you?” in response to Nurse Myra’s comment, but it occurred to me that if I do that, and she gets WordPress comment notifications, then she’ll just think I’m gratuitously insulting her.

  4. Yeah, everybody is all “ooh, I’m gonna time travel” and they fall for the informercials and spend thousands of dollars on a time machine. Pretty soon, the damn things are taking up space in the corner of your bedroom, nothing more than glorified clothes hangers. You can barely give them away at a garage sale!

      1. Pro-tip: if you want to keep the dust from collecting on your time machine, just do several months’ worth of dusting all at once (dust, jump ahead a week, dust again, and so on).

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