What I Use My Time Machine For, Now That The Novelty Has Worn Off

Like many people, I get a number of free products to review. Sadly, that number is zero, so when I decided I wanted to try the Acme Chrono-Jump Personal Time Travel Device, I knew I’d have to buy one myself.

When the Chrono-Jump arrived (a year and a half ago or last Tuesday, depending on how you count), I did all the things you’d expect: I dropped in on famous historic events, took a peek at what’s in store for the future (I won’t reveal any specifics, but you might want to stock up on those little plastic thingies they put in pizza boxes to keep the cheese from getting stuck to the lid), and even tried to change a few things from my past. Each trip sent me into a nightmarish spiral of attempts to correct whatever horrible mistake I’d made the previous time around, more or less like every time-travel story you’ve ever read or seen on TV. (Are butterflies attracted to time machines, or what? I’ve never stepped on one while living in the present, but for some reason they’re always getting underfoot in the past). So I got a little burned out.

I was going to write a negative review and take it back to the store, but the warranty had expired, so I decided to look for smaller-scale, safer, more practical applications. I’m glad I did. Here are some of the things I use my time machine for today:

1. Any time I forget something, I just pop back in time, call my younger self on the phone and ask where I parked my car, or when I last saw my next-door neighbor alive, or whatever else it is I’ve forgotten. The only problem might be that it can be a little annoying; any time I sign up for a new website, for example, five or six older versions of me show up asking for the password. Also, sometimes I forget how long it’s been since I remembered the thing I’ve forgotten.

2. I use it to make better choices at restaurants. I just wait until all the entrees have arrived and then go back in time and order the one that looks best. I am, of course, very careful to always order last, so that people who know what I’m doing don’t copy my order and create one of those annoying time paradoxes.

3. I hooked the time machine into my alarm clock, so now instead of a snooze button, I have a “go back four hours and get more sleep” button. It’s amazing.

4. Before I had the Chrono-Jump, if I wanted a baked potato, I’d have to either wait an hour for it to cook, or microwave it and deal with that awful microwaved-potato skin, or try to figure out one of those hybrid oven / microwave potato-cooking recipes. But now I’ve hooked the time machine into my oven, so I can just put the potato in and set the timer to start cooking an hour ago.

So there you have it. I wouldn’t recommend the Chrono-Jump to someone who’s looking to have adventures or change their past, but it’s the best alarm clock I’ve ever had. Four stars out of five.

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Posted in Humor
27 comments on “What I Use My Time Machine For, Now That The Novelty Has Worn Off
  1. You won me over with the baked potato argument. Mmmm…potatoes….

  2. Oldcat says:

    Why not go back to 5 minutes before you removed yesterday’s baked potato from the oven and take that one and eat it?

  3. I hear that place down the street has excellent fish…
    might want to B.Y.O.P, though.
    (bring your own potato)

  4. I could have used this yesterday when I ordered the stout and it turns out the lager was better. I coveted The Boy’s beer all the way through lunch.

    And the go back and sleep four more hours function? Brilliant. Sign me up!

    • Laura says:

      Pro-tip: before you go to bed, jump forward to an hour before the alarm is set to go off, and feed your cats then so they’ll leave you alone in the morning.

  5. omawarisan says:

    I need your help. I just realized why that girl I had a crush on sat with me on the bus in high school. You dont have to bring me back.

  6. emmycooks says:

    What I wouldn’t give for that alarm clock!

  7. Holly Folly says:

    I need a time travel alarm clock. Also, if you drizzle olive oil on your baked potato, sprinkle on some spices and then put it in the microwave, it will be simply divine. Thus freeing up your time machine for other matters.

  8. dianadomino says:

    This is wonderful. I need a time machine now, but you didn’t give out the manufacturer or price… ^_^

  9. Binky says:

    I think I’d use it everyday at work, so when I show up, I’d just zip ahead 8 hours and then go home. And all those extra hours saved should add up to a lot longer retirement.

  10. The warranty had expired, but couldn’t you just travel back in time to return it? Or did they put that in the fine print? Fuckers.

    • Laura says:

      I decided ahead of time that whenever anyone asked a question like that, my response would be “you don’t know anything about how time travel works, do you?”.

        • Laura says:

          My clever plan was to follow this up with just “you don’t know anything about how time travel works, do you?” in response to Nurse Myra’s comment, but it occurred to me that if I do that, and she gets WordPress comment notifications, then she’ll just think I’m gratuitously insulting her.

  11. nursemyra says:

    alonewithcats has a point. I want to go back to 2001. would you like me to return your time machine while I’m there?

  12. pegoleg says:

    Yeah, everybody is all “ooh, I’m gonna time travel” and they fall for the informercials and spend thousands of dollars on a time machine. Pretty soon, the damn things are taking up space in the corner of your bedroom, nothing more than glorified clothes hangers. You can barely give them away at a garage sale!

    • Dana says:

      Totally. My time machine is collecting dust with my Bowflex and my collection of P90X workout DVDs…

      • Laura says:

        Pro-tip: if you want to keep the dust from collecting on your time machine, just do several months’ worth of dusting all at once (dust, jump ahead a week, dust again, and so on).

  13. Nora Blithe says:

    Is THAT what those little whit things are for? Now I feel silly. Going back in time for 4 more hours of sleep sounds excellent!

  14. Derek Zenith says:

    Where are the maggots?

  15. Some random spammer says:

    Thanks , I have just been looking for information approximately this subject for a while and yours is the greatest I’ve found out till now. But, what concerning the bottom line? Are you certain about the supply?

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