Don’t Look a Zombie Chocolate Bunny in the Mouth

A few weeks ago, Thoughtsy from Thoughts Appear’s Blog sent me a lovely seasonally appropriate confection in the mail.

Cat inspecting a zombie chocolate bunny

Health and safety inspection

Of course, the first question one asks when presented with a chocolate zombie bunny is: will biting into this thing turn me into a zombie? After all, biting a rabid dog will give you the rabies virus (which is why you should never do that — also, rabid dogs taste terrible), so wouldn’t biting a zombie give you the zombie virus? And if it does, will I turn into a regular human zombie, or a zombie bunny, or what? And is the chocolate chocolaty enough to be worth it?

I turned to the bunny’s packaging for answers. The ingredient list didn’t include “zombie pathogens”, “zombie virus”, or anything else with “zombie” in the name, which was encouraging. But I also made a horrifying discovery: the main ingredient wasn’t dark chocolate or even milk chocolate. This bunny was made of white chocolate. A pale, lifeless imitation of real chocolate. Zombie chocolate.

That’s right — this wasn’t a chocolate zombie bunny at all; it was a zombie chocolate bunny. Instead of a zombie bunny made of chocolate, I was harboring a bunny made of zombie chocolate. And it turned out to be even more dangerous than I suspected: a few days later, I found evidence that it had been attacking my other chocolate.

I got this as a present a couple years ago. It’s designed to be eaten on backpacking trips, but I never go backpacking, so I was saving it for the zombie apocalypse. Which has, apparently, just started.

Clearly, it was time to act. Chopping off its head seemed like a reasonable precaution. And I’ve been trying to build up a natural immunity to the zombie chocolate virus by eating a little at a time.

A zombie chocolate bunny with a severed head.

Snapping the bunny’s neck was surprisingly easy. Please don’t quote me out of context.

So far I’ve only eaten an ear. A zombie chocolate bunny ear, not a human ear. It was delicious.

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Posted in Humor
38 comments on “Don’t Look a Zombie Chocolate Bunny in the Mouth
  1. Oh, the horror!

    I bet it was mighty tasty though. This reminds me of my brothers who use to eat the legs off of all the animal crackers while cackling maniacally (ok, that was me)

  2. Oh no! Several of my books look like your packet of chocolate cheesecake decadence! Either the bunny got to it before I shipped him out…or Esme the cat is a zombie.

    • Laura says:

      Thunder loves to chew on packaging — but I didn’t discover this until after the bunny had been here for awhile. So I’m pretty sure it was the bunny.

  3. nancyfrancis says:

    Eww White Chocoloate is definitely imitation chocolate of the Zombie variety.

    Fun fact, in Australia you can get Chocolate Bilby’s around Easter. A Bilby being this endagered and strange looking half bunny and half rat creature that is alarmingly endearing. Or at least I thought so, all my friends and family were creeped out by the Chocolate Bilby’s I brought home with me!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bilby

    Easter gift fail.

    • Laura says:

      I thought you said “half rabbit and half CAT”, so you can imagine how horrified I was when I looked at that picture.

      • nancyfrancis says:

        Haha.. they look like devil bunnies eh? I saw a few up close and got to pet one and they are shy and humble little creatures – surprisingly not flesh eating post-apocolyptic bunnies.

  4. Dana says:

    I’d be more worried about all that blue coloring than I would be about the white zombie imitation chocolate. I eat sugar in all forms (even zombie-virus-infested sugar) but have a harder time ingesting neon-colored “food”stuffs. We all have our issues.

  5. pegoleg says:

    This was disgusting. Thank you.

  6. Binky says:

    If you need any help eating any chocolate, zombie or otherwise, you know who to call.

    My tip would be to eat the brains first, thus immobilizing the zombie threat (if any).

  7. nursemyra says:

    When it comes to choosing body parts to eat first……. growing up in New Zealand, one of the most delicious things you could eat was a whitebait fritter. As a child I used to remove the eyes from the tiny fish and eat those first. Quite a feat when the fish are only about an inch long

  8. Loved this post (and the pictures to go with ;P)
    anne

  9. cestlavie22 says:

    Lol! I did not know that these existed! Easter next year will have to include these for sure :)

  10. Zombies are one of the few creatures I feel like I could outrun if I had to.
    Unless I’m distracted by something.
    Like chocolate.
    :)

    • Laura says:

      I’m worried that if you were being chased by an actual chocolate zombie, you might freeze, unable to decide whether to run away from it or towards it.

  11. Holly Folly says:

    Just don’t eat the bunnies brain. Then you will be one of them.

  12. White chocolate is an affront to chocolate. I’m a chocolate racist. Black power!

  13. Spectra says:

    Maybe what you got there is Zombie mice…but they move too slowly for even the cat to notice them. ZOMBIE TIP: check for small, 4-clawed bloody scratchy tracks around your baseboards, behind sofas and stoves and the fridge. That’s where they all pass out after gorging themselves all night on roach brains. A self-cleaning varmint problem can’t be all that bad.

  14. Al says:

    Any pathologist worth his/her salt would have you convicted for animal cruelty in a heart beat. The blood spatter pattern indicates that it was definitely not self-defense.

  15. And the most tragic part of the story was that the zombie bunny only had two days left until retirement.

    • Laura says:

      And his surprise party was scheduled for that very night. Fortunately, they were able to re-decorate the carrot cake and serve it at the memorial service.

  16. Margie says:

    A green bunny claiming to be chocolate is wrong in so many ways!

  17. I believe you have been mis-sold. You should talk to a lawyer, and claim back any and all damages caused by this zombie bunny.

    We need to bring out a class action against the manufacturers- they should have warned us the zombie bunny maybe dangerous! :)

    • Laura says:

      I couldn’t find a lawyer to take the case. The problem is that even if we won, it would be difficult to collect, since the company’s only assets are a few tons of white chocolate, a couple dozen plastic bunny molds, and an large collection of human brains.

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