How to Eat Fruit

Summer fruits are delicious, but many people miss out on these healthful treats because of the amount of effort required to transform a piece of fruit from its original state into something fit to eat. With today’s modern technology, however, fruit preparation has never been simpler. The following is a step-by-step guide for enjoying some of the most commonly available fruits of the season.

How to eat a peach

Only $13.99 at amazon.com. Peach and hands not included.

You will need:

  1. Rinse the peach.
  2. Place the peach on a level surface.
  3. Position the slicer over the peach.
  4. Press down on the slicer.
  5. Eat the peach slices. Don’t eat the pit or the slicer.

How to eat a pear

Only $8.38 at amazon.com.

You will need:

  1. Rinse the pear.
  2. Place the pear on the orange-colored apple-shaped cutting board.
  3. Position the orange-colored apple-shaped slicer over the pear.
  4. Press down on the slicer.
  5. Eat the pear slices. Don’t eat the core, the slicer, or the cutting board.

How to eat a cantaloupe

Only $14.89 at amazon.com.

You will need:

  1. Rinse the cantaloupe.
  2. Place the cantaloupe on a level surface.
  3. Position the slicer over the cantaloupe.
  4. Press down on the slicer.
  5. Eat the cantaloupe slices. Don’t eat the slicer or the rind. Avoid the seeds.

How to eat a strawberry

Only $7.42 at amazon.com.

You will need:

Only $0.50 (plus $4.99 shipping) at amazon.com. Strawberries not included.

  1. Rinse the strawberry
  2. Grasp the strawberry firmly but gently in your left hand. Hold the StemGem in your right hand (if you’re left-handed, hold these directions up to a mirror).
  3. Press the green button on the StemGem to open the claw.
  4. Insert the claw into the stem end of the strawberry.
  5. Twist and remove the StemGem.
  6. Open the strawberry slicer.
  7. Put the hulled strawberry into the slicer.
  8. Close the slicer.
  9. Enjoy your delicious strawberry slices. Don’t eat the slicer or the StemGem.

How to eat a banana

Only $5.29 at amazon.com.

You will need:

My goal here has been to provide instructions that the reader can follow at home to eat a piece of fruit purchased from a grocery store or farmer’s market. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do that for bananas: the peels aren’t edible, and there are no banana-peeling tools available for home use. So before you proceed with the following steps, you’ll need to have your banana professionally peeled.

  1. Place the banana on a level surface.
  2. Position the slicer over the banana.
  3. Press down on the slicer.
  4. Eat the banana slices. Don’t eat the slicer.

How to eat a blueberry

You really can eat this entire fruit in one bite.

You will need:

  • One blueberry.
  1. Rinse the blueberry.
  2. Open your mouth.
  3. Place the entire blueberry into your mouth.
  4. Close your mouth, removing any fingers that remain inside.
  5. Chew and swallow.

 

 

Update: I haven’t tried this myself, but I’ve just read an article that claims that it’s possible to peel a banana yourself at home, using only your bare hands. Proceed with caution.

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Posted in Humor
29 comments on “How to Eat Fruit
  1. Speaker7 says:

    Okay, I did that thing where I didn’t read all the directions first and ate the peach slices, pit and slicer, and then read the final instruction that I was only suppose to eat the slices. Please advise.

    • Laura says:

      This is pretty serious. After being chewed and going through your digestive system, that slicer is going to be ruined. You’ll have to buy a new one.

  2. Holly Folly says:

    Remove fingers from mouth! I’ve been doing it wrong for years! Well, I had better go buy some more band aids.

  3. No handy-dandy 6-in-one blueberry tool? This is clearly an un-tapped market! I’ll have to get right on that… once I finish washing all the rest of my fruit slicing devices. I still have about 50 blades to go on my peach slicer.
    :)

  4. denise:) says:

    I have been waiting my whole, entire life for the banana slicer. FINALLY! EVENLY SLICED BANANAS WILL BE MINE!

    Now i just need a guide to place them evenly on the top of my cereal.

    • Laura says:

      A banana cereal template! That’s a great idea! We could have a whole product line, ranging from an entry-level model (a plastic disc with banana-slice-shaped holes) to a deluxe model (a ceiling-mounted projector that projects banana-slice-shaped outlines onto a cereal bowl positioned under it).

  5. Elyse says:

    When eating the blueberries, where do I put the coins?

  6. Don’t eat cutting board? Are you sure?

    • Laura says:

      It does look delicious, doesn’t it? If the product description didn’t say it was apple-shaped, I would have mistaken it for an orange bell pepper.

  7. Erica says:

    The melon cutter clearly suffers from grandiosity if it thinks it can take on an entire cantaloupe.

  8. Binky says:

    How to eat chocolate:
    Put in mouth and chew.

  9. pegoleg says:

    All I can say is Amico is really missing out on some golden marketing opportunities with their shallow product line. They are ignoring the slicing technology needs for a whole fruit-salad worth of options!

  10. Margie says:

    And to think that all these years I’ve been using just a plain old paring knife!

  11. Jon says:

    I like how the fruit opening devices look like the actual fruit. Imagine if you tried putting a banana in the peach slicer. Fruit carnage.

  12. These take all the fun out of cutting myself with the knife and struggling not to drip blood into the fruit salad!

  13. Dana says:

    Too bad I haven’t been able to read this until autumn. Are there any recommendations on how to eat fall fruits easily and safely?
    — Urgently awaiting your reply

  14. List of X says:

    I’ve heard that there is a very versatile multipurpose fruit slicer out there, which works on all types of fruit, bananas, strawberries, apples, blueberries, you name it. It’s called “a knife”, and apparently you could even use it for non-summer fruits as well. I’ll go check if Amazon has any of those.

    • Laura says:

      Sounds like one of those wacky gizmos you see advertised on infomercials late at night. It slices bananas! Cores apples! Chops onions! Minces garlic! Suuuuure it does.

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