Ten Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated My Blog Lately

1. I’ve been busy at work. I know everyone always says that, but my job is really challenging. Performing brain surgery while rescuing kittens from burning buildings is harder than it sounds.

2. I was abducted by aliens. Really boring aliens. I kept waiting for them to do something interesting enough for me to write about, but they just kept droning on and on about glorfball, which apparently is a very popular sport on their planet.

3. I sold a short story to a magazine and got hit with a case of rebound writer’s block.

4. My intern quit and it took me two months to figure out how to work the keyboard.

5. The intern who quit had secretly outsourced his job to a group of monkeys living in my basement and banging randomly on typewriter keys. It took me a while to find new homes for them.

6. When I first went down to the basement to check on the monkeys, I slipped on a banana peel. I managed to catch myself before I fell, but then I realized we were almost out of bananas, so I went to the local banana emporium. On my way home, I was in a car accident. It was just a fender-bender, but the bananas were crushed, so I had to bake some emergency banana bread. While reaching to get my banana bread cookbook from the top shelf, I lost my balance and fell. I landed on my head and got the kind of amnesia where you remember everything else but forget that you have a blog.

7. With the intern and monkeys gone, I decided to try Blog-O-Matic Content Generator 2.0. Big mistake. It kept crashing my system and would only generate shopping lists.

8. I called the Blog-O-Matic customer support line six weeks ago. I’m still on hold. After the first hour, I started counting how many times their on-hold music repeated itself. When I got to 50,000, I hung up and reinstalled my operating system.

Oh, and if you think hanging up means I’m no longer on hold, you’ve probably never listened to the same on-hold music loop 50,000 times in a row. It changes you. I’ll be on hold, hearing that music in my head and half-expecting a Blog-O-Matic customer support representative to appear at any moment, for the rest of my life.

9. When I reinstalled my operating system, I lost all my saved passwords.

10. My dog ate it.

To celebrate my return to blogging, I’m holding a contest. The first three thousand people to comment on this post will each receive a free pre-owned typewriter! Each one comes with its own unique collection of stains and odors.

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Posted in Humor
45 comments on “Ten Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated My Blog Lately
  1. Emergency banana bread is the best excuse ever.

    Also, the dry cleaner called and your brain surgeon firefighter cape is ready for pick up.

  2. I kinda want number six to really happen to me. Well, mostly the part about forgetting I have a blog.

  3. Gail says:

    You’re slipping. I didn’t start laughing out loud (literally) until #8.

    (I can really use that pre-owned typewriter. Do I have a choice of stains and odors?)

    • Laura says:

      Don’t look a gift typewriter in the mouth, Gail. Wait — do typewriters have mouths? I think I may have accidentally sent you a monkey instead.

      • Gail says:

        Oooh! Rosie, we’re getting a monkey! Wait, do monkeys like rawhide bones and squeak toys? Shall we bury ours before the monkey gets here?

        (BTW, Laura, what’s the tracking number?)

  4. omawarisan says:

    May I have a manual typewriter? The keys on the electric are too sensitive.

  5. Aliens, monkeys, dogs, and never ending warbles of “hold” music softening the brain. Must need chocolate badly now?

  6. Elyse says:

    Good to see you — and all I can say is “bad monkeys!”

  7. List of X says:

    I see you changed your gravatar, so that must have taken a while, too. (and I was just getting used to you being a cat)
    I hope I made it into the first 3000 comments. I don’t really have any use for a typewriter, but I’d really like some banana bread – unless your dog ate it, too.

  8. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I hope you’ll start posting soon, because every time you comment on someone else’s post, I crack up! We need your voice in the blogosphere!

  9. Holly Folly says:

    I have been working a lot too. And by working I mean I have been setting up a festival and am an typing this from a hotel room where my husband was trying to dry out my shoes with the hair dryer because it has been raining for a week and this festival happens to you know, be outside.

    So I feel ya, is what I am saying.

  10. I can’t believe you didn’t offer me a monkey.

  11. Roxie says:

    Great, now I have a craving for banana bread… Or zucchini bread! Ooooh! Now I have a craving for zucchini bread! Moondance Diner, here I come!

  12. themodernidiot says:

    agreed. the aliens around here really need to get a new schtick. welcome back, my ribs hurt from laughing :)

  13. RageMichelle says:

    HAHAAHHA…All very good excuses. I can’t wait for my used typewriter.

  14. Where did you get 3,000 typewriters?

  15. They are the most creative excuses I’ve ever heard. Except #10 which is silly because the monkeys would have scared the dog away.

  16. They say if you slip on a banana peel in space you won’t make a noise in the forest.
    Er, wait… that’s not quite right.
    As you can see the produce accidents I’ve been involved in haven’t been nearly as kind to me (no memory and no Jason Bourne ‘skills’, either… what a rip-off).

  17. yearstricken says:

    It must be going around. Would you believe the very same thing happened to me except that instead of monkeys they were sloths?

  18. claywatkins says:

    for me it has been work and family (and I feel guilt about not blogging) but monkeys and banana bread sound much more fun.. thanks for a humorous post a few weeks after it was written – it’s still FUNNY!

  19. I’d like a pink manual typewriter. I had one years ago, but caved into my husband’s urge to purge and sold it. So sad. And say hi to the monkeys. I miss working with them.

  20. theslimbuddha says:

    Is there any chance that you have a typewrite with a stain in the shape of Zac Efron?

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I have some publications in other places, including short stories at Shimmer, Flash Fiction Online, and Daily Science Fiction, and a list of overly-wordy LOLCat captions on McSweeney's.

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