An Open Letter to Anyone Who Was Directed Here by a Search Engine

Dear Accidental Reader,

I’m so sorry. If a search engine directed you here, you probably haven’t found whatever you were looking for. I’d hate for this visit to be a total loss, however, so I’m going to try to help you find what you really want.

If you’re looking for the quote “nothing to fear but fear itself“, then you probably want FDR’s 1933 inaugural speech instead of my post about being scared by a scary movie.

Speaking of scary movies, the most common search term that brings people here is animal-themed horror movies — which is a little odd, because I’ve only ever written one post on the subject. I’d recommend John Carpenter’s The Thing. Technically, it isn’t a horror movie, but it is scary. It’s also not really animal-themed, but it does feature an outstanding performance by a dog acting like an alien pretending to be a dog and trying to act casual while walking into a pack of actual dogs. You could also try Let Me In, a horror movie that features a bunch of cats, although it isn’t really animal-themed. But don’t watch it with a cat on your lap. Seriously. Oh, and apparently there’s a movie about ants on an airplane. I haven’t seen it, but based on this review, it sounds pretty realistic.

Speaking of cats, were you searching for Maru? I love Maru — of all the cats in all the world belonging to people I’ve never met, he’s my favorite. This blog is way, way far down the list of Maru search results, so if you were persistent enough to wind up here, you must be either a die-hard Maru fan or Maru’s intellectual property attorney. If you’re a die-hard Maru fan, then you’ve probably already subscribed to his blog and/or YouTube channel. If you’re Maru’s intellectual property lawyer, then I’d be willing to consider making an offer of say, four catnip mice and half a dozen empty boxes in exchange for permission to continue to use Maru’s image in these two posts.

A surprising number of people come here wondering whether they can take a grapefruit through airport security. The answer (in the US, at least) appears to be yes, but it will have to be x-rayed.

If you were looking for information about the first Facebook interface, then you were probably led to my completely unhelpful GM / Facebook prototype post. Sorry. I’m not sure how to find that information, but if I were you, I’d probably start with the Wikipedia “History of Facebook” article.

I’ve tried to convince myself that the people who searched for vampire bees were looking for my Vampire Bees post, but realistically, if that’s what you searched for, you’re probably looking for those bees in New York that started producing blood-red honey.

Were you looking for a robotic toy mouse? If so, I’m afraid I can’t help you. This post was inspired by a remote-controlled mouse that my cats got as a gift; they loved it, but it died after a week or two. I haven’t found a better one, although Sphero, the robotic hamster ball looks promising. If you know of a more robust remote-controlled or robotic toy mouse, I’d love to hear about it.

If you’re wondering whether coffee leaves are toxic to cats, the answer is yes. If you’re wondering why your coffee leaves are turning brown, I have no idea. My own coffee plant is doing worse than it was when I wrote this post.

If you’re looking for chicken recipes or cat food recipes, you were probably sent to my April Fool’s recipe post. It won’t provide the recipe you want, but if you stop to read it, the passage of time will make you (or your cat) hungrier, and whatever you do wind up cooking will seem to taste better.

I keep telling myself that searches for that was disappointing lead here because I have a post with those words in the title, but I still find it a little depressing.

If you came here looking for teleportation device accessories, then you probably landed on one of my product reviews — but please, please, please tell me why you were doing that search. I get that pretty frequently, and I’m dying to know.

Again, my apologies, and I hope you find what you’re looking for. Or that you decide to stick around and subscribe. Or both.

Sincerely,

Laura from Unlikely Explanations

P.S. Did I guess wrong about what you were looking for? Did I leave out your search term? Did I actually get something right? Let me know by leaving a comment.

42 comments on “An Open Letter to Anyone Who Was Directed Here by a Search Engine
  1. […] Ideas". Please don't take anything you read here seriously. Skip to content HomeAboutAn Open Letter to Anyone Who Was Directed Here by a Search Engine ← I Find This Form of Flattery […]

  2. mmmarty says:

    You make me laugh :D Yay :D

  3. aquatom1968 says:

    Great letter! I honestly don’t know how I found you, it wasn’t through a search engine though… just good luck I presume!

  4. denise:) says:

    ROTFLMAO…. this is a great idea.

  5. […] Ideas". Please don't take anything you read here seriously. Skip to content HomeAboutAn Open Letter to Anyone Who Was Directed Here by a Search Engine ← […]

  6. LOL After reading this, I think if I were searching for something, I’d just ask you where to find it and not both with Google! ;-)

  7. shreejacob says:

    LOL! I’m thinking that you got your list of possible ‘Searchers from the internet” list off the Search engine terms from the Site Stat page? I’ve gotten weird ones too!!!

    I got to your blog through Aquatom1968’s recommendation list! And I’m glad I did! :)

  8. Heidi Gillen says:

    Some dude found my blog post on a childish prank some friends of mine played involving Legos while actually searching for something Lego related and the guy RIPPED ME A NEW ONE because of it. I need a letter like this.

    • Laura says:

      It probably wouldn’t help. I’m not convinced that anyone who found this blog through a search engine has actually looked at this page.

  9. Congrats on winning caption at the Good Greatsby. You have a hilarious site,

  10. […] AboutAn Open Letter to Anyone Who Was Directed Here by a Search EngineContactCopyright / License you're reading… […]

  11. Laura Pearlman says:

    Hi Laura, love the above letter/post. I ended up here because I keep getting updates on Google alerts with your name but I would think thats because we have the same name;-) So, just wanted to say “Hello from Laura Pearlman in West Palm Beach Fl;-)”. I like your blog, I also have a WP blog, although about real estate. Cats are very cute! I think Ill go check out more of your blog….. LP

    • Laura says:

      You’ve actually come very close to being featured on this blog (at one point, I was considering making a “people who aren’t me” page with you, the obstetrician, and the Canadian beauty queen).

  12. Hilarious post! I keep meaning to write about strange searches that lead people to my blog. But you’ve outdone me before I even started. :)

  13. Search engine terms are a frequent source of amusement, aren’t they? I would definitely feel a little down about it if anything of mine popped up when someone was searching for disappointment. I offer plenty of that in real life, for crying out loud.

  14. LWSpotts says:

    LOVE this. Perfect response.

  15. I’m a cat lover. I was on the Goodgreatsby’s site and saw a cat on your gravatar, and here I am. Loved the article. Search engines have sent at least fifty people to my site to learn how to grow a pineapple plant from a pineapple. Out of those fifty, only one clicked on the link telling them how to do so. I would like to think that my articles are so interesting that they get wrapped up in them and forget what they were looking for, but chances are that they back out immediately because there is a squirrel at the top of the page and not a pineapple.

    • Laura says:

      I have a post about a coffee plant, and I noticed it was getting a bunch of hits from people who wanted to know if coffee plants were bad for cats. So I added a link to that post that points to the ASPCA page that says that yes, they are. Lots of people follow that link now, which proves that search term stats save lives.

  16. Ezz says:

    Heeeeee. This is gold.

  17. […] An Open Letter to Anyone Who Was Directed Here by a Search Engine […]

  18. Eeshan says:

    Wow! You are so considerate! :)

  19. Myth says:

    Luv the post ! :)

  20. I arrived at your blog by inter-planetary craft. Yet, still I enjoyed it.

  21. Cassandra says:

    I found your blog via the Bloggess. I’m glad I read this, though. Someone found my blog by searching for “i don’t hold out much”. I have no idea what to say about that.

  22. Mike says:

    I just have an infinite capacity for monkeying around and wandered in….

  23. Alice says:

    I have gotten some really disturbed ones, but then I have a lot of books on, you know, that book. So no wonder. Some of them don’t see to do with anything, though. Weird. Maybe Google just likes screwing with people?

  24. Alice says:

    posts, not books. I haven’t written a book. Well, not yet. It would probably sell better than anything else I might write.

  25. Relax... says:

    That slo-mo of Maru after a bath is.. well, it was worth living for — but that’s not how i got here, either. I really can’t recall how — I’m just glad it happened! (You may appreciate this: way back when I was about to begin chatting online, an MSN nickname generator suggested, “RancidPants.” I almost went with it.)

  26. I’m afraid I can’t tell you why I was searching for teleportation device accessories, but I was disappointed you didn’t have a link to some. Hopefully we’ll see more in the future as they become more common;0)

  27. tameramb says:

    I love it! And birds are scary..

  28. Have you solved the “teleportation device accessories” mystery? I get “crossing the street” all the time. Although, you search term is way cooler than mine.

  29. tinkerswan says:

    This is hilarious. I’ve not found something like this before :) good job

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Elsewhere …

I have some publications in other places, including short stories at Shimmer, Flash Fiction Online, and Daily Science Fiction, and a list of overly-wordy LOLCat captions on McSweeney's.

Things I found in my cat's water bowl.

A blog about my cat Holly's end of life.

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