An Open Letter to the Bees Swarming on My Front Porch

Dear Bees,

I’ve been a fan of yours for a long time, so let me start by saying thank you for all the hard work you put into pollination and honey production. Also, I love the expression “hive mind”, which never would have been coined if it weren’t for you guys (well, I suppose someone might have used that phrase, but it would have referred to an itchy allergic reaction and wouldn’t have been nearly as interesting). So, thanks again.
Continue reading “An Open Letter to the Bees Swarming on My Front Porch”

The Gashlycrumb Terrors

Every year around April Fool’s day, Bruce Schneier has a (somewhat misleadingly-named) Movie Plot Threat Contest. The challenge in this year’s contest was basically to create a story that would frighten small children into obeying their government without question. Writing an actual story seemed too difficult, so instead I wrote a little poem inspired by Edward Gorey’s The Gashlycrumb Tinies. Here’s an updated version of my entry:
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One Grappa, Two Grappa, Three Grappa, Floor

The title of this post came from my friend Liza’s Facebook status, which seemed like it could be the basis of a really bad children’s story…

One grappa, two grappa, three grappa, four
Will someone please help me up from the floor?

Five grappa, six grappa, seven grappa, eight
I’d better call work and say I’ll be late.

Nine grappa, ten grappa, eleven and twelve
Now the nice bartender needs to reshelve.

Thirteen grappa, fourteen, fifteen and more
It’s time to go back to the grappa store.

Sixteen grappa, seventeen, now I’ve lost count
Let’s just call it a reasonable amount.

Thank you for reading this enumeration.
Enjoy your grappa in moderation.