Blog Archives

Yes, Virginia, There Is An Apple Core

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say that apples don’t really have cores. Papa says, ‘If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth; do apple cores exist? Virginia

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Posted in Humor

Ten Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated My Blog Lately

1. I’ve been busy at work. I know everyone always says that, but my job is really challenging. Performing brain surgery while rescuing kittens from burning buildings is harder than it sounds. 2. I was abducted by aliens. Really boring

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Dorothy and the Multiverse

Wait! That’s not helium! — Last words of Henrietta Gale, June 26, 1937. Dorothy’s parents took her to the dog pound on her sixth birthday. She walked slowly past the cages of beagles and corgis and stopped to look at

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New Filibuster Rules for the Texas State Senate

Recent events have led some Texas state senators to conclude that their filibuster rules — which forbid eating, drinking, sitting, leaning, going off-topic, or leaving the senate floor for any reason — are too lax. The following are some new

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Total Recall

I’ve had my car for a little over seven years, and I’m pretty happy with it despite the fact that I’ve gotten approximately three dozen recall notices during that time. It all started with a problem with unintended acceleration that

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How To Read About How To Determine Your Optimal Daily Caffeine Intake

Ever wonder how much coffee you should be drinking? Head over to The Official How To Blog, where I explain How To Determine Your Optimal Daily Caffeine Intake. And while you’re there, check out some of the other posts, because

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Posted in Humor

These Writing Tips Will Change Your Life

In an attempt to add some much-needed structure to this blog and to provide a valuable resource to the community, I’ve decided to devote this and all future posts to helping people become better writers. We’ll start with a few

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Why That’s Not Me Sleeping In A Glass Box at MOMA

Ever since I heard about Tilda Swinton’s performance art piece “The Maybe”, which involves her sleeping in a glass box “on top of a mattress, with just her glasses and a carafe of water” at the Museum of Modern Art

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Posted in Humor

Guns Don’t Shoot People. Ovens Shoot People.

And now, a few important safety tips: 1. Before you turn on your oven, make sure there are no bullets inside. A woman in Tampa was injured this week when she neglected to take this simple precaution. She said she

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Posted in Humor

Who is Astrid Volpert? And Other Questions for the Butterball Turkey Hotline

I’ve just heard some exciting news — just in time for Thanksgiving, Butterball has launched a turkey recipe app. At just $4.99, Butterball Cookbook Plus sounds like a real godsend for anyone who owns an iPhone and doesn’t know how

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Elsewhere …

I have some publications in other places, including short stories at Shimmer, Flash Fiction Online, and Daily Science Fiction, and a list of overly-wordy LOLCat captions on McSweeney's.

Things I found in my cat's water bowl.

A blog about my cat Holly's end of life.

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