I have a love-hate relationship with dim sum broccoli. It’s sauteed, but not too much, so it’s crunchy and sweet, crisp and fresh. It looks gorgeous, sitting there on the plate, a vibrant, shiny green that almost shimmers in the light. And I love the idea of it — I can tell myself that yes, I just ate three days’ worth of calories and five days’ worth of sodium and fat, but I also had some broccoli, so it all balances out.
There’s only one problem: I am unable to eat this dish and maintain any semblance of dignity. That gorgeous sheen is really a thin layer of oil that, combined with the smooth texture of the stalks, creates a slippery surface that makes them difficult to pick up with chopsticks. But I manage, and then I’m faced with a new challenge: taking that first bite. But from where? On one end, there’s a single, solid stalk, which branches out into three or so thinner, leafy stalks. The leafy end seems like the natural place to start, but the leafy stalks fan out just enough to make it difficult to take a bite of all of them at once, but not enough to allow me to take a bite of one without having the others hit my cheeks. And the leafy stalks are sometimes a little stringy and difficult to bite through cleanly. So that leaves the solid end. Taking a bite of that is easy enough, but it causes the leafy stalks to wave back and forth in front of my face like the arms of an overly-eager schoolgirl trying to attract the teacher’s attention.
I wouldn’t have this problem (and, to be fair, it wouldn’t taste as good) if I were actually eating broccoli. Broccoli stalks are thick enough that they’d have to be sliced and not served whole. But instead, they use some other vegetable that’s more like broccoli rabe, which always sounds like it should be a character in a western (“There’s a new sheriff in town. They call him Broccoli Rob”) or maybe a crime story (“Robert ‘Broccoli Rob’ Tortellini stared across the table at Vinnie ‘Soft Serve’ Zamboni. By the end of the night, their two families would be embroiled in a war that would last for decades”). I keep hoping that someday, a real Broccoli Rob will emerge and teach me and others like me how to eat this stuff.
Unlikely Explanations 
Love this. Had Dim Sum Broccoli for the first time (actually dim sum for the first time) and had the same trouble.
Thank you. I was hoping I wasn’t the only person with this problem.
Broccoli Rob’s probably a stalker.
You really are the queen of puns.
HA!
Broccoli Rob is really skinny – don’t think he’s figured out how to eat it either!
It’s harder for him, because he doesn’t have hands.
I always thought broccoli rob was a crime that happened at the farmers market. Now I’m not so sure. Thanks a lot.
Is that when someone robs you of your broccoli, or when a robbery is committed by broccoli? Suddenly, I’m afraid to go into my kitchen.
Not sure how the etiquette gods feel about it, but I tend to stab my food with the chopstick when faced with situations like this.
Wouldn’t recommend that for broccoli Rob though…
Unless he’s a jerk.
The broccoli’s really too solid to stab through without a hammer. I wonder whether I’d have to bring my own, or whether the restaurant would supply one.
The fork and I are fast friends! I have never trusted chopsticks for more than rice!
Very funny!
What I’d really need is a fork and a knife. It’s so complicated.
I prefer carrots
They’ll at least cut carrots up for you. But I think the broccoli tastes better.
Fork it. That’s the only way to go.
“Fork it” is, in fact, pretty close to what I feel like saying sometimes when I’m eating this stuff.
Can you shove the whole darn thing in your mouth? Because that actually is the proper way to eat a lot of things with chopsticks.
I’d love to come up with some awesome punniness, but I’ve put off blog reading to the last minute and my brain has shut down for the night.
Not all at once. One option could be holding it in place while sort of gnawing at it.
Will rob for broccoli? A broccoli rob must be an act of desperation?
It’s what they do in the broccoli mob.
I avoid this problem by never eating anything called broccoli, and by never eating anything that’s called “dim”.
You’re missing out. But that means there’s more left for the rest of us, so yay!
*ting ting ting – those are spurs, btw*
‘I’s a-feared this plate ain’t a-big enough fer the two of us…’
*broccoli tumbleweed blows ominously across the table*
:)
Now I feel really bad about not giving Broccoli Rob any hands. That’s going to be a real disadvantage in a gunfight.
i’m so excited that you wrote about dim sum broccoli!! i’ve had the same experience throughout my life, but never have i put my thoughts down on paper (or internet). glad i’m not alone. lol
If I ever find an instructional video on how to do this, I’ll let you know.
If you puree all your food, you’ll never have to worry about this again.
Glad I could be here for you.
“Excuse me, could I please have a straw? And an extension cord for my blender?”