To: Walmart Store Managers
From: Walmart Executive Leadership
Subject: Exciting Developments in our Partnership with DHS
Dear Store Managers,
As you know, Walmart has partnered with the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) in their “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign. So far, this partnership has been a resounding success: our customers have reported a steady stream of suspicious incidents to you, you’ve passed that information on to DHS, and DHS has verified that the information we provide to them meets the same quality standards as the merchandise we sell to our customers.
We realize, however, that facilitating these incident reports has increased your workload. Here at Walmart, we’re always looking for ways to increase the efficiency of our operations, and with that in mind, we’re announcing the next phase of our partnership with DHS. Effective immediately, we are no longer asking our customers to report all suspicious activity; instead, we’re outsourcing most of our intelligence gathering and reporting activities to our overseas subcontractors. This way, we can increase the volume of information reported to DHS while at the same time cutting costs and maintaining the same level of quality.
Here’s how it works: we’ve noticed that most Walmart “If You See Something, Say Something” reports have been related to the contents of a fellow customer’s shopping cart. Instead of relying on our customers to notice these items, we’re making all our cash register records available to our foreign subcontractors, who will review them. A subcontractor who notices a suspicious item or combination of items in a customer’s transaction record will file a report with DHS.
For now, we’re directing our subcontractors to simply use their common sense when deciding what to report. For example, if a man buys a 3-ounce tube of toothpaste and a package of underpants, it’s only logical to suspect that he’s planning to blow up an airplane. He’s clearly planning to take an airline flight (why else would anyone buy such a tiny tube of toothpaste?), and the underwear indicates that he’s planning to follow in the footsteps of the infamous underwear bomber.
Similarly, if a woman with a foreign-sounding name buys a pregnancy test, it’s reasonable to suspect that she’s an illegal alien planning to raise a terror baby: a child, born in the US, whose mother takes him back to her native country, where he attends terrorism school and, upon graduation as a fully qualified adult terrorist, uses his US citizenship to return here and carry out an unthinkable attack. Again, it’s just common sense.
Please note that we are only outsourcing the monitoring of our customers’ purchases; it is still your responsibility to evaluate and facilitate reports of other types of suspicious behavior. Continue to use the same evaluation criteria you’re using now: individuals who appear shifty are probably terrorists and should be reported to DHS; individuals who appear creepy are probably pedophiles and should be reported to the local police.