Exciting Developments in Walmart’s Partnership With DHS

Pie chart showing types of suspicious activity reported via "if you see something, say something" at Walmart

To: Walmart Store Managers
From: Walmart Executive Leadership
Subject: Exciting Developments in our Partnership with DHS

Dear Store Managers,

As you know, Walmart has partnered with the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) in their “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign. So far, this partnership has been a resounding success: our customers have reported a steady stream of suspicious incidents to you, you’ve passed that information on to DHS, and DHS has verified that the information we provide to them meets the same quality standards as the merchandise we sell to our customers.

We realize, however, that facilitating these incident reports has increased your workload. Here at Walmart, we’re always looking for ways to increase the efficiency of our operations, and with that in mind, we’re announcing the next phase of our partnership with DHS. Effective immediately, we are no longer asking our customers to report all suspicious activity; instead, we’re outsourcing most of our intelligence gathering and reporting activities to our overseas subcontractors. This way, we can increase the volume of information reported to DHS while at the same time cutting costs and maintaining the same level of quality.

Pie chart showing types of suspicious activity reported via "if you see something, say something" at Walmart

Here’s how it works: we’ve noticed that most Walmart “If You See Something, Say Something” reports have been related to the contents of a fellow customer’s shopping cart. Instead of relying on our customers to notice these items, we’re making all our cash register records available to our foreign subcontractors, who will review them. A subcontractor who notices a suspicious item or combination of items in a customer’s transaction record will file a report with DHS.

For now, we’re directing our subcontractors to simply use their common sense when deciding what to report. For example, if a man buys a 3-ounce tube of toothpaste and a package of underpants, it’s only logical to suspect that he’s planning to blow up an airplane. He’s clearly planning to take an airline flight (why else would anyone buy such a tiny tube of toothpaste?), and the underwear indicates that he’s planning to follow in the footsteps of the infamous underwear bomber.

Similarly, if a woman with a foreign-sounding name buys a pregnancy test, it’s reasonable to suspect that she’s an illegal alien planning to raise a terror baby: a child, born in the US, whose mother takes him back to her native country, where he attends terrorism school and, upon graduation as a fully qualified adult terrorist, uses his US citizenship to return here and carry out an unthinkable attack. Again, it’s just common sense.

Please note that we are only outsourcing the monitoring of our customers’ purchases; it is still your responsibility to evaluate and facilitate reports of other types of suspicious behavior. Continue to use the same evaluation criteria you’re using now: individuals who appear shifty are probably terrorists and should be reported to DHS; individuals who appear creepy are probably pedophiles and should be reported to the local police.

6 thoughts on “Exciting Developments in Walmart’s Partnership With DHS

    1. You really should have reported it. This probably fits into the “acting a little too normal, probably in an attempt to avert suspicion” category, which accounted for about 1.5% of the reports I reviewed for this article.

  1. I commonly wear a long coat around. Will people at Wal-Marts call me a pedophile and attempt to pepper spray me?

    1. No, no — the whole point of having Walmart store managers involved in this project is to prevent people from jumping to inaccurate conclusions like that. What would happen in this hypothetical case is that a customer would see you, become suspicious, and consult a manager, who would point out that you were probably a terrorist concealing weapons and explosives under the coat, not a pedophile.

Leave a comment. Please.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.