My Son Keeps Seeing Bees But There Is No Bees

I was looking at my search terms the other day to see if I needed to update my open letter to anyone directed here by a search engine, and I came across this:

MY SON KEEPS SEEING BEES BUT THERE IS NO BEES

Actually, WordPress always shows search terms in lower case, but I’m convinced that whoever typed this query used all caps. Either way, it’s clearly a cry for help, so I’m going to address the rest of today’s post to that person.

Hi. I understand your son keeps seeing bees where there are no bees. I can see why you might be worried, but please don’t panic. There are many possible explanations for this. So take a few deep breaths while I run through a few of them for you.

1. Your son may simply be mistaken. I found myself in a similar situation last year — I kept seeing bees at my house, but in fact, what I thought were bees turned out to be yellowjackets. If this is what’s going on with your son, he just needs to enroll in a remedial entomology class.

2. Your son may be lying to you about seeing bees. Does he like to play practical jokes? Did he recently see the movie Gaslight? Is he evil? Actually, this could be pretty serious. Maybe you should panic after all. But read through the other options first.

3. Your son could be seeing vampire bees. When he points out the bees to you, do you look at them directly or through a mirror? If you’re looking through a mirror, you’re not seeing them because they’re vampires.

4. You and your son might be characters in a heartwarming children’s fantasy movie like Bridge to Terabithia or Pan’s Labyrinth. Actually, now that I think about it — this scenario tends not to end well. You might want to consider moving, especially if your son has an evil stepfather.

5. It’s possible that there are bees all around you, and you’re simply in denial. Have you noticed any unexplained buzzing sounds or stinging sensations lately? Have your friends taken to wearing beekeepers’ outfits whenever they visit?

6. Someone could be playing a practical joke on your son. Does he wear glasses or contact lenses? Have you checked to see whether someone has drawn tiny bees on them?

Bee courtesy of openclipart.org

Good luck — I hope one of these suggestions helps your son with his problems. Of course, I’m assuming your son is real. If your imaginary son is seeing imaginary bees, then my advice would be not to worry about it.

Seriously — is this a line from a book or movie? I’ve done searches on this and a few variations, and I can’t find anything even remotely similar to it.

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Posted in Humor
33 comments on “My Son Keeps Seeing Bees But There Is No Bees
  1. I thought at first that it might have been me using that search term, but then realised it couldn’t have been when I remembered that I didn’t have a son.

    Option 5 resonated with me… I wondered why everyone was dressing funny, but just put it down to the latest fashion trend…

  2. nursemyra says:

    *chortle*

    Laura, you crack me up

  3. Keeps seeing tiny bees! Hilarious! Outrageous! HAHAHAHA…
    Seriously, though… uhh… what if someone, let’s just call him ‘Bill’ were to be HEARING tiny bees…
    what… then…
    :)

    • Laura says:

      I’d tell “Bill” not to stay calm and follow a few easy steps in order to figure out what’s going on:

      1. Turn off the main circuit breaker to your house. Did the buzzing stop? If so, one of your electrical appliances sounds like a bee.

      2. Is the buzzing low-pitched, like the buzzing of some weird mutant baritone bee? If so, does “Bill” have a cat? Is the cat happy? The sound may be the cat purring.

      3. Does “Bill” have an attic or crawlspace above “his” house? Does the buzzing seem to be coming from there? I have some friends who experienced this, and I’d tell you their story, but you’d never believe it. Basically, though, I think the wisest course of action “Bill” could take at this time would be to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! NOW!

  4. Maybe her son actually keeps seeing Bea. To which I say, there’s no shame for a boy to enjoy a “Golden Girls” marathon. I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a fully functioning adult who loves Lady Gaga, skin-tight clothes and glitter.

  5. I love getting search terms like this. Sometimes they stick with me for weeks as I keep considering what was the story behind that search.

  6. hoodyhoo says:

    I thinkj it would be worse if your son did NOT see bees when there were, in fact, bees. That could be dangerous.

    • Laura says:

      It would be dangerous at first, sure, but once he realized what was happening, he could take a few simple precautions, like asking people he’s with to tell him if they see any bees, and wearing a beekeeper’s outfit whenever he’s alone.

  7. omawarisan says:

    I think #5 is very possible. It is not that the son sees bees, it is that the parent doesnt.

  8. LOTGK says:

    ALL YOUR BEES ARE BELONG TO US

  9. Binky says:

    You certainly seemed to cover most of the options. The only other explanation I can think of is:
    7. Your son is insane. Get rid of him before his insanity infects you.

  10. Erica says:

    Maybe he’s like that kid in The Sixth Sense. I wonder if the bees is dead and they don’t know it?

  11. Rico Swaff says:

    I don’t know what would be worse….seeing a monster in your bed or closet or constantly seeing bees.

    Which post did it lead them to?

    • Laura says:

      I think seeing a monster in your bed would be the worst, especially if you were in bed at the time. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

      I think the search probably took them to the vampire bees post. WordPress tells you what people searched for and how many people looked at each page, but not which searches correspond to which page views.

  12. Cracking up at the glasses. OMG.

    You get fun searches. I get gross ones like “gymnastics crotch photo.” Yeah.

    • Laura says:

      I get surprisingly few gross ones. Lately I’ve gotten some variations on “gravy recipe for cats”, which can mean “recipe for gravy to serve to cats” (not gross), “recipe that cats can follow to make gravy” (not gross, but somewhat unrealistic), or “gravy to serve with cats” (gross and awful).

  13. […] wrote a post last year inspired by the search term MY SON KEEPS SEEING BEES BUT THERE IS NO BEES. Since then, I’ve been getting a lot of searches from people who seem to be concerned about […]

  14. Anonymous says:

    This is retarded. I would advise not to take advice.

  15. Nicolas says:

    I only just found this blog. Laura has an un-bee-lievable writing talent. On a serious note though, there is another possibility. Bill could have made it to the final round of a spelling bee contest, and may have lost out on the title due to a silent b that stumped him. The b’s will haunt him forever.

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I have some publications in other places, including short stories at Shimmer, Flash Fiction Online, and Daily Science Fiction, and a list of overly-wordy LOLCat captions on McSweeney's.

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